Aishling

After almost a month of on-again off-again interview with BestBuy and the stressing the bullet for unknown reasons after a drug test and back ground check, I'm in the clear and started work last Friday. YAY! Is it the job I want to keep forever? No, not really. Not after 3 days on my feet in one bloody spot for 8 hours at a time. It's not like I get the joy of roaming the store. Nope, as Asset Protection I get to stand at the front door and make sure to tag every item that comes in the store and check every item that leaves. Yep, I'm a glorified security guard at Best Buy. :P And the only female on the team. I'm still on the look out for that M-F full-time job that I know is out there for me, I just have to find it and keep applying for all of them that I can find. My social life picks up only to get this job in which everything goes down the drain, because even on my days off I have to go in for bloody training at 7am. Yes, I'm not happy about this at all! Oh and the online training I should be doing...can't, still can't log into the system to do my own training for my department, much less the training I MUST have done by Saturday...Uhmmm, it's Monday, and as of an hour ago, I still couldn't log in... I'm hoping this will change soon. I do my job well and most of the training will cover things I'll never really have to worry about, but there it is. Part-time, $9 an hour. Which probably comes down more to like $8 after Uncle Sam takes everything he wants out of there...:(

It feels like ages since I last updated. I'm bouncing in and out of depression. Lots of lows and a few highs. My feet are ready to run away from me if I ask them to stand for that long another day...sorry guys, it's happening tonight and Wed...At least I have Tuesday off all day.

Fall is here. The leafs are starting to really drop and the high for part of this week is mid 50s...yay...kinda. My depression doesn't need this so much right now. But really I think while I'm at work I'd rather see cloudy skies and wind with chilly weather, than sunny skies and warm weather, which makes me long to be in a park somewhere, under a tree reading a good book. Changing seasons is good. The only problem here in Colorado is that half of this week will be chilly and the other half will be hot. Don't like the weather, wait 10 minutes. :P

I've become a Stampin' Up Demonstrator. I love stamps. I love making cards, I'm not a HUGE scrap booker, but I've been known to make small ones for family and friends. erincrawford.stampinup.net. I have my  first workshop on Friday. Still haven't designed my cards yet for that evening, but I will, that's what tomorrow is for. :P And then Saturday is Jordan's Birthday. I'm not gonna get much sleep this weekend. Workshop, a fire at a friends afterwards, then work at 7am on Saturday and Jordan's Birthday. Then work again at 9am Sunday morning. And then October will be here and as much as I want to go to the Witches Ball, I don't see it happening this year. No costume, no money, and not sure it's going to be worth trying to get that Saturday off. Samhain is a Saturday as well, I could request that day off..but really, I think I'd rather open that day and then have the 1st off...Not that I get to decide these sorts of things.

Where is my M-F job?! I'll find it. I have to. Mabon was great yesterday. My biggest fear of the winter? Not having the strength emotionally and physically to get done the things I need to do. We'll see. Time will tell. I need more hours. I need more stability. I have a job and for that I'm grateful. I'm forcing myself to find the positive in all things and not beat myself up for my past faults. I can't change what I've done or didn't do, I can only learn from it and move forward. On the bright side I've learned that there is nothing wrong with being me and standing up for myself. It's not always easy and it may cause confrontations I really don't want to deal with, but in the long run it's important.

I am aware that maybe Craigslist isn't the best place to try and find a job. There are a ton of scams and then a lot of liars.

PLEASE, for the love of all that is good and worth while, do NOT make your subject "Receptionist Full Time" And then once I click on the link read that it's a bloody part-time job!! WTH?! Seriously?

I know that the job market is tough right now. But really, why would I waste my time sending a cover letter and my resume to someone that can't even take the time to use capital letters and spaces?

Example:
Subject : assistant
"Our company is looking foran administive assistant, to join our expanding company. Your responsibilities will be supporting our team, typical office duties, track inventory , dictation."

Holy crap, this person can't even spell!! Maybe if I send them an email and point out their flaws I'll get the job? Nope, chances are I'm over qualified and the person that posted this will be afraid I'll take their job. Or, it's a scam.

Ran into one of those earlier this week. And ALMOST fell for it! Job hunting is bad enough, I shouldn't have to stress over this very stupid shit! Shame on those out there preying on those that NEED work. And really, do you want to steal someone's identity when they are probably unemployed and chances are their credit it's worth much anyway?

UGH!

That is all...

Life does strange things to you and for me it hasn't stopped even as I've gotten older. It's the luck of me, I suppose.

I'm pretty much completely moved out of Rose's and have most of my things unpacked in my new room at Jordan's. It's going well.

I am currently do a total freak out about job hunting. Everyday I post about 3 resumes in the attempt to find a real job that will pay me consistently and with luck allow me to eventually have my own place. Please send out what you can to the powers that be that I get something before the end of August. I need this rather desperately. (With that, if you know of anything in the Loveland/Fort Collins or surrounding area, please let me know.)

Last Friday night was a lot of fun. Rose hosted a Stampin' Up party and it went fabulously! :D I'm going to attempt to be a demonstrator with Rose's help. Don't plan on making big money, but it'll be a fun side project and with the crafting group we've got going on we'll at least be able to help our friends get stamping/scrapbooking stuffs at reasonable prices and great quality. During this party Monty (my bobbed tailed kitty) was let out into the back yard. This normally isn't a problem as he's a rather territorial cat and stays close to home, normally hardly ever leaving the back yard. But, seeing as I wasn't the one that let him out and I had to leave early because I had to be up for work at 9am the next morning, I forgot he was out there. It wasn't until Saturday that I realized this and text Rose to see if someone had let him back in. At first she thought he was, but then realized she couldn't find him anywhere. I was a little stressed about it, but figured he'd come home later that day. The kids looked all over for him and knew to keep an eye out if they saw him. By Monday there was still no sign of him and as I'd worked all that weekend and then all day Monday & Tuesday I hadn't had much of a chance to stop by and search myself.

Monday after work I stopped by the Humane Society to see if someone had found him and turned him in. No luck, but filed a report in case he did come in. Rose was wonderful enough to print out some fliers and laminate them for me. I also posted an ad on Craigslist about it. Nothing. :( By Thursday I was starting to accept the fact that I may very well never see him again. Keep in mind Monty is like my son. He knows when I'm sad and gives me lots of attention, he's very precious to me. The thought of losing him was slowly tearing me apart. Thankfully I was busy with work and moving that I didn't have a ton of time to dwell on it. I kept checking Craigslist with the hopes someone had found him. Friday I was going to stop at the Humane Society to see if he was there, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. The fliers did go up around the neighborhood though. I spent Thursday night and Friday night at Rose's while she and Matt enjoyed a much needed holiday to celebrate their 4th wedding anniversary. (GRATS!) Friday night Jordan spent with me. Had a fun evening with the kids and enjoyed the quiet as well. I dreamt a lot that night and was awoken at about 4:50am from a dream by the sound of a cat crying. I was instantly awake and felt over to know it wasn't Rose's cat, Gaia making the noise because was laying right next to me. So I jumped out of bed and grabbed my glasses. (This is a neighborhood where there aren't a lot of cat and dog noises at night, it's largely a dog neighborhood anyway.) I opened the bedroom door and who was coming up the stairs but Monty!!! I cried, I couldn't believe it. Come to find out Kelvin had gotten up to get a drink of water and had heard him scratching at the back door and had let him in. I was so happy to see him. He's a bit skinner than normal, but appears to be no worse for the wear. He's grounded until he's dead. :P For now he is sleeping soundly under my bed in our new room, adjusting to yet a new living space. Gaia and Tabbers, both, were very happy to see him. I expect him to sleep and rest a lot for the next few days. But he is well and home safe and I couldn't be happier about it. :)

Wednesday I had the wonderful joy of going to see Counting Crows and Augustana play together on stage at Red Rocks! Jordan and I went and despite the rain it was a truly amazing concert. I had wished last year after seeing them in Denver to see them play again with Augustana at Red Rocks and less than a year later I got the wish!

Things are going well. And can only get better by my finding a decent job. The universe will provide as long as I do my part. And so I'm actively searching and doing the best I can with what I have. I needed a good kick in the pants and I got it and it has made me realize that I need to and can provide for myself as long as I'm willing to do the work to make it happen. It's taken a very long time for me to see that. I keep hoping for things to happen and then finally (And this seems like a "well, DUH!" thought) I realized that in order to get what I want and need I need to step out side of my bubble and show the universe I'm here and these are the things I need and this is what I'm doing to try and get them. If I don't try I'll never receive. 

It seems I tend to write the most when I'm pissed and when life is highly frustrating, or to share good news, which does happen from time to time.

Well, I'm pissed and so I felt the need to write . The muse stirs in me when life throws me oranges and lemons (both of which I don't like much).

I've been kind. I've been giving. I've been understanding. I'm not anymore. I'm tired. I don't care and I'm refuse to be understanding for the 100th time about the same shit.

So the 2nd cell phone gets turned off permanently the end of this month! And with any luck I'll get a new phone, which I'm in desperate need of, but I'll have to crunch the numbers first.

See, even now I'm not nearly as upset as I was. I think I shall play some online. Maybe go soak in the tub.

Jordan and his family are out of town, won't be back until Tuesday eveningish, so I'm watching the house. Pretending, for a few days at least, that I have my own place. Although this house is too big for just me and 2 cats and a rabbit. It's a rather empty house and I'm ready for them to be home! As I understand it they seem to be having a pretty good time in Cali.

With luck this will be my last full week of no work. Which is what sparked the fight with my ex to begin with. I crunched the numbers and if I spend no money at all between now and when my car payment is due, with the exception of bills due before then, I'll be a little short of my car payment. This sucks and does me no good. So I asked when money would be sent my way and all hell broke loose. Most of which isn't worth reliving here. Bottom line, I'm cleaning my stuff out of the storage unit within the next month, I'm turning the other cell phone off at the end of the month (which was planned already), and I can count on getting no more help on my car payments, although that won't hurt so much, because I've hardly gotten any help from him about that as it is. $500 down payment, plus $340(monthly payments) x4 = $1860/2 = $930 of which I've probably received half of that. This doesn't even include the $75 a month Cartoys bill for the $1500 stereo in his car plus half of the cell phone bill. We're writing off the cell phone bill because I haven't paid him for the storage unit, which is what, $50 a month which would make what I owe him $25 a month, the cell phone bill is $100 for 2 phones, making his half $50, he's still coming out on top. I'm still getting the ass end of this deal. Keep in mind that I also have to pay my bills on time, because I can't stand late fees and like it when creditors AREN'T calling me, I've been through that, I'm trying to avoid it. He, however, will put money in my account when he feels like it and the amount will vary from time to time. So In the past 4 months since we broke up I haven't bothered to count any money from him into my budget. And I've managed to pay everything on time without him. 2 weeks off, thankfully not back to back, has screwed me over though. No work = No pay and that makes things a little stressful. Why are all my bills due at the beginning of the month? Oh well, I'm just glad I'm not paying his car insurance anymore.

Things weren't supposed to end this ugly. I have my perception on how things are with him, plus his track record, and he has his own ideas about me. Yeah, that big number you saw in my checking account the other week, by the following Tuesday, it was all gone, to bills.

This isn't a woe is me thing about money. I'm managing, and as long as I can find another job come August, I'll be ok.

But it's all ok Kippers, you keep texting your new girlfriend on my cell phone, with my cell phone bill. Enjoy the last few weeks of a free ride. Who knows, maybe she'll get you a cell phone when yours gets turned off.

For me, I have a boyfriend that loves me, mind, body and soul. I have friends that stick by me no matter what and help keep me on my feet, and hopefully they do so because they know I'm good for it and don't enjoy free loading off of them. (Although, I'll admit, some days/weeks are better than others.) I have a good car that runs well. I have food in my stomach and a roof over my head. I'm thankful I don't live in my car and that I am able to make ends meet, some how. :)

Karma is a bitch. I know it is, I keep it in mind with every thing I say and do, and sure I stumble sometimes and things come flying back into my face. But through this whole thing with him, I'm not sure what I could have done to him that would cause him to feel the need to remind me as well.

We're pushing 30, I think it's time to grow up and take responsibilities for our own actions. Not avoid them or push them off on other people. 

I'm sitting here at work...really just waiting for someone to come home so I can go home, just to get to sleep by midnight and be up again at 7am to work until 5:30ish at one job to head to another at 6pm and do that job unitl Sunday around 2pmish...joy of joys. I have to pay the bill some how.

In the mean time I'm on the prowl. Really don't know why. Realizing that when one posts an honest ad in some silly personals a lot of insane non-communicative people pop out. They email you pictures of themselves (thankfully nothing obscene yet..) What they fail to send is some sort of conversation starter...my profile is anything but sparse, plenty of questions could be asked to show interest. On Plenty of Fish I get practically zero response. It's the Poly thing, isn't it? Well, I'm not gonna lie about it. Should I go into more detail? Explaining that I'm not in fact looking to have a ton of multiple partners? That I'm looking for that person to be with me through those oh too many lonely nights? Someone else to help fill the time? (Does that sound as bad as I think it does?) I love my boyfriend. I'm IN love with him. He's amazing and wonderful and can't get enough of me. It's mind boggling really. The down fall? I can't have him every night. I'm lucky to get one full night a week with him. I'm selfish, I want every night, I can't have it and know it and respect it. So I'm seeking balance. (Actually that's a REALLY good way of explaining it.) Balance. I'll bore of this soon and delete all profiles and chalk it up to the gods. Disappointment is not an option. I'm happy, most of the time. Want to be happy all of the time, or at least more of the time.

See me, stumbbling in the dark, looking for a light and a candle? Some people make friends so easily. It's weird to think of how it is I know the people I know. I don't want my life ubber busy, but ... I need something different... I just don't know anymore. And maybe that's my problem. I see the lives of those around me and wish for that, but what is that exactly that I wish for. And really, are the lives I see of those around me something I've made up in my head?

I start so many things and finish very few of them. I lose interest, motivation. My dreams are big. Maybe I'm just so full of heart ache that I feel I shouldn't be allowed to love completely anymore. I'm doomed to go to bed alone almost every night. I miss his touch the moment he leaves the room and I crave it until he's back. Sometimes it's hours, other times it's days. And I continue to question why I do this to myself.

I have no work and no real plans for Monday and Tuesday. This is good and bad. Good in that I need some time off. Bad in that I REALLY need the money. Job searching SUCKS!

Ack! This has not turned into a woe is me blog, has it?

Good things:
Bills are paid.
Roof over head. (Goddess I love you Rose!)
I'm not starving, thanks to those that feed me. :)
I have a nice working vehicle that allows me to continue doing my job as a Nanny.
I have an amazing boyfriend that practically worships the ground I walk on, which is something I may never get used to.
My cats still love me.
I believe I'm somewhat attractive and any guy would be damned lucky to have me, if only they'd take the time to get to know me.
I LOVE Northern Colorado.

That is all...for now...

So I think the copywriting job is a bust. :( Oh well. Life goes on and chances are I'll never see the money from it. Writing such things isn't easy, but what's even more difficult is showing the end product to the client and them questioning whether they could have written the same thing in less time for free...if you thought that originally then why did you hire me?

See, the client gives me notes, very rough notes, they tell me what they are looking for and I take said notes and make it all sound pretty and professional and such. It takes about 3 drafts. (I really should have taken that technical writing class in college...) I think in the future I'll attach all 3 drafts plus the original notes. Because it really hit me hard when my work was summed up by my client as simply adding a few words to the notes they'd given me. Really?! A misplaced word could make or break a deal. I pulled out all my old texts to make sure my phrasing was done correctly and the punctuation was correct. I'm the one with the degree in English, that's why you came to me.

So I'm on the hunt again. My resume for childcare is out there on the interwebs. Sittercity.com and Care.com. Mikey and Carson won't need me come Fall and I'll need work. Car payments don't make themselves. :P I love my nanny work. It's flexible, and I'm not stuck at a desk 5 days a week 8 plus hours a day. Sometimes I wonder if that wouldn't be such a bad thing. At least then I'd know for sure that I'd be getting my full hours. But with the way my brain works I'm better off not working in an office. I do better as a nanny or a freelancer. I need at least $10 an hour and I want full time work. Or at least 3 full days of work a week.

I could take a course in copywriting and possibly walk out of there with clients paying up front in large sums, but who's got an extra $300-500 laying around? Not I. My portfolio is very tiny and at the moment my resources very limited. I have mad office skills, if only people would get over this whole idea of needing to be in this business professional dress. I can look pretty damned classy in jeans and a great shirt. Plus I'm more comfortable and I'll get more work done that way. Is unemployment an option? Not really, bad enough I'm contemplating food stamps. Even if I went to Wendy's and managed to some how to get a full time job there, at what, crappy minimum wage? That would sink me into a terrible depression and I'd still barely scrape by.

I want to be at a place where I can afford my own place. Or at least my own rent on a room. I'm just not there yet. Bills total to $700 a month and some how I manage to make it. Kippers has been of little help. He pays me $100 every few weeks when it fits his fancy. He picks and chooses which texts he'll acknowledge he's received from me. So I refuse to calculate that into money I have, because it's unreliable. He promised to deposit some money the end of last week, it's now Tuesday and still nothing... so yeah. Rot.

Things are good for the most part. Something is missing, I can feel it, can't place my finger on what exactly though.

My craftiness is picking up. Rose and I have been painting a lot, as soon as I finish one I'll take a pic and post it. I've also gotten back into cross-stitching and want to start making my own line of hand made cards. Possibly open up my Etsy site and see how that goes, just to supplement my income some.

Going to do my best to make the one week this month and another next month that I don't work and really get cracking on things.

Was hoping to make a road trip out to Utah, but not sure I'll have the funds for it. Want to see my sister and my new niece. We'll see. Maybe I'll get lucky.

I'm volunteering at the library this summer. 2 hours a day 2 days a week for the Summer Reading Program (SRP). It's for ages 0 to 199.

Children learn from a young age to love and respect books. They love being read to and seeing the colorful fanciful pictures they contain. Young adults seem to enjoy it for the escape from their own reality, or finding novels that relate to their own lives and realizing they aren't the only ones that feel the way they do. And adults, we read for many reasons.

Every parent that stops to sign up their child from the SRP I encourage to sign themselves up. It's easy, simply 5 hours a month worth of reading. There is no reading log for the adults. It's on an honor system. Reading is not limited to novels. It's anything you read, from your newspaper to your emails. The junk mail we receive daily in the mail and the tens of memos you receive from co-workers. The news letters your children bring home from school and activities of the like. We read menus, street signs, construction warnings, bumper stickers along with the billboards we pass as we travel down the road. In essence we read well more than 5 hours a month, we probably read at least that much in a week.

I've wanted many a child create games based on books they've read. It sparks the imagination and inspires new ways of thinking. Find a child, grab a book and read. Turn off the TV. It's summer and the possibilities are endless. Money is tight all over this nation, find free/cheap educational entertainment.

Sometimes I think I've filled my plate too full by volunteering not one day but two at the library. It's worth it. Every time I'm there I'm thanked for helping out. We make it possible for the Librarian's to focus more on their main jobs instead of answering the same age old questions concerning the SRP.

It's an easy job for me and I'm always more than happy to help others with anything they may need, if I have the information. I feel I cannot limit my duties simply by my 'job description'. That's just silly. I wonder why others have volunteered their time. One woman I work with has been volunteering at the library for a while now, not just for the SRP. Her children are grown and she enjoys helping where she can. She's a real joy to work with. However, another I work with, we'll call her Jan, I'm really uncertain why she chose to volunteer at the library for the SRP. It's apparent she's bored and lonely. Her children are grown and they will not have any grandbabies for her. She has no computer skills though and seems bent on doing only her job and nothing more.

It's great that she's finding things to do with all her spare time but I feel she'd be more satisfied volunteering elsewhere. She doesn't even enjoy reading that much. Apparently it's been years since she last picked up a book. ...Wait, what?! You've volunteered for the Summer READING Program and you don't like reading? Why are you even in the library? … Ok, so it's never to late to pick up the habit again and maybe this will do her good. But she doesn't explain to the patrons why she sends them to the kiosk to sign up for the program instead of her doing it herself. If it's more than one or two people signing up it's easier for them to do it themselves on the computer and then come back for me to explain everything. (Think about it, if you don't know how to spell Dannemiller and you had to type it into the computer 3 times wouldn't it be faster if they did it themselves?) But she just points without asking how many and sends them on their way. Of course, I watched Jan yesterday try to enroll 2 children into they system because their mom was too busy and OMG, someone get her AWAY from that laptop! This woman doesn't even have an email address. She's not old enough to be my grandmother, in fact, at most she's 60. Ok, no biggie...I think, but not knowing what minimizing means? She refuses to leave the SRP page because she doesn't know how to get back. Honestly I'm not even sure she'd know where to go. I'm a multi tasking freak so I've got several tabs open in IE (The bane of my existence.)

I find it very easy to piss this woman off. I don't do it on purpose and she pretends that she's just giving me a hard time, but she's not, she's serious. I'm learning to just shut my mouth when she tries to help someone. We've been at this for over 3 weeks now, she too volunteers 2 days a week and yet she still trips over her words and doesn't have a routine on how to set people up and ask them questions. This shall all become very entertaining once we start handing out prizes to the children and she starts interrogating them on what they've read.

If we are made of the gods, how can we be a sin? It is unthinkable that we should be brought into this world a sin. The body is a gift from the gods, not a curse. We should embrace it and celebrate it in all its forms and beauty.

I need to express to the world what's going on with me. I need to write my mother and my grandmother. I need to finish this copywriting work so I can get paid and with luck have another steady flow of income that's salaried so I can budget better what I'll be making each month. I need to write, write and write some more.

Me:
Respite weekend went well. Jordan's kids get along GREAT with the Cain's. Zach seems to enjoy Ashley's company very much and Randy and Lindsey play very well together. Made the weekend a lot easier, because all the kids were entertained and weren't in my hair bored out of their brains.

I got my car payment in on time. :) Yay, one down about a thousand more to go. Ok, so there are 12 months in a year and I'm going to be paying on my car for about 5 years, or was it 5 1/2, so 12x5 is...60, so 1 down 59 more to go? Yeah, English Majors can do math, just not very quickly. (At least I didn't pull out the calculator, which is on a quick link in my start menu!)

I now have my own car insurance! $75 a month for full coverage and I no longer have to deal with Kippers and his 3 cars on his insurance.

Made reservations last week at Peak to Peak up in Estes Park, CO for my birthday weekend. It's just Saturday night, but should be a lot of fun. Speaking of which, having a part on the 22nd of May for my birthday, which happens to fall on a Friday this year! Let the silliness commence. Jordan has sent the invites out (thanks FaceBook and your ability to send out mass messages to select good friends). My birthday weekend is rather busy. Mom, dad, Bella and John will be driving in from Utah on their way to Missouri on Thursday the 21st. So I'll be spending the night with them in a hotel and enjoying the pool with my niece and nephew. :) Then Friday I work late afternoon, at least I think I do, Carson just has a half day that day and it's his birthday too, so I may or may not be working at all that day. 7pm the party will start (although, knowing me, I'll be there early and start a little early, but then I'm the birthday girl!) Haven't had a party/celebration for my birthday in years. Just looking forward to getting goofy with friends. Good friends, good music and good drinks. :) Figure I'll be crashing out by 1am because Jordan and I want to leave for Estes Saturday morning around 8am so we are up there by 9 or 9:30, just in time for the shops to open. There is also an art festival going on near the strip, so that will be fun to walk through. Then a nice romantic evening at a lodge a little off the beaten trail in Estes. With luck we'll have a balcony room, they really want to save those for 2 or more nights. But they do have good size fridges in the rooms, so we'll be able to bring drinks and snacks with us. I'm just very excited to have so much planned around my birthday. My mom always tried to make them special for me when I was growing up, but has I got older and moved away from home, those that I've dated seemed to miss it, or just not care to plan ahead of time. Jordan and I have been talking about this trip for my birthday for several weeks now. And with the room reserved it's pretty much a set deal now. :)

The meeting last week with Denise went really well. With any luck, by the end of the summer I may very well be the lead copywriter for Moxie Marketing Group. :) Right now Rose and I are working as contractors for her and setting things up. We're looking at turning this into 30-40 hours a week job. :) I get to expand my writing abilities, use my degree for something and add to my portfolio. Plus in a few months I might find myself with my own desk in an office throwing fuzzy things or chocolate at Rose. :D We work that well together.

Meeting with Jordan and working on our business plan went well too. Rose has several pages worth of notes. Now we need to sit down, divide the work up between the two of us and get writing. If we can't get grants we're gonna try to at least get an interest free loan. It's a solid plan, and the numbers we've researched look good.

I no longer feel like my life is slipping through my fingers and I'm just barely afloat. I still have my moments and always will I suppose. But if this work with Moxie Group kicks off then I'll be making enough to actually look at getting my own apartment. I realized yesterday that as much as I hate living alone, it's more of the fact that I hate being alone. I've always dreamt of having my own place. Decorated to fit me and a place where I can do what I want when I want without explaining it to anyone. So if I have the urge to run around naked at 2am I can. :P My cats my look at my strange, but I still could if I wanted to. I'm also excited about the possibility of one day owning my own home. Or finding a small house that I can rent for the rest of my life. I finally have that full circle of friends that allows me to no longer feel this huge gap of emptiness in me. I don't feel alone and lost anymore. It's nice. The prospect of working with Rose at Moxie is awesome and getting our own business of the ground it great. I really feel like life is getting really good and may very well stay that way. There will always be some bumps in the road, but for the most part, things are good.

Jordan is amazing. Everyday is a new day and we connect more and more. Every moment is cherished and even the small things seem so big. The hugs, the kisses, the touches, the smiles and looks in ones eye. The calming affect we have on one another and the smiling neither of us can seem to stop doing. 

I need more hours. Always more hours. I do have some good things headed my way, at least it looks like it might be. I feel really good about it.

I have two business meetings on Wed that will help determine a lot of things.

The first is with Rose and Denise. Rose is an amazing Graphics Designer, she loves making peoples visions reality and I, I am a copywriter, of sorts, at least that's what I'm trying to get into more. Denise, she needs us both for a marketing newsletter she wants to do. This is very exciting and if all goes well could be very promising. :)

That same evening Rose & I are meeting with Jordan to build a business plan for The Gypsy Room, INC. We've come to realize that what we want to do and how we were trying to do it just wasn't gonna work. Ultimately that path we were gonna take we believe would have led to epic fail. So now we are planning on building a well thought out business plan (which is where Jordan comes in, he's awesome like that) and hoping to find capital to get this business off the ground.

I also need to freshen my Nanny resume and get that posted soon. This is in hoping that I find a good nanny job for the Fall that with luck I'll be able to keep for several years and help pay the bills better.

Right now money is tight, tighter than tight really. Lots of reasons for it. I have a $340 car payment to make every month now, which is the brunt of my money woes. This wouldn't be nearly as big of a problem as it is if a certain someone had bothered to get his shit together in a more timely manner so he wouldn't have been out of work for 2 weeks and hence unable to pay he part of what he agreed to pay. Oh well, I stressed major of it, did a ton of number crunching, pushed some bills back, squeezed things around and with luck I'll still be ok. Respite weekend is this weekend, and that will help a ton. (Note to self, email Marie!) (Done!)

Planning on getting my own car insurance next week after I get paid. One less thing I have to worry about Kippers failing to help take care of, then he can drive around on his own without car insurance. I can't afford to do that.

I am loved. It's evident by many countless things. It's evident by the roof the Manchester's have so freely put over my head. The food they feed me. The care they give my cats. (Must clean out the litter box when I get home.) The gas they put in my car. The many phone calls they've taken and the bitching they've listened to. It's evident by the friendship the Beard's have given me. Welcoming me into their home. Making me a part of their life. Cindy is amazing, may all the gods, which ever you follow, bless her. For Cindy has given me the greatest gift any woman can and for that I'm grateful beyond words and believe I could never express in any form just how blessed I feel.

I am loved. I am loved by my cats that always manage to find their way back to my bed every night, and all day, as the case may be. Despite all the moving and my not being home as much as they would like, they love me still and show it.

I am loved by Rose. Yes, she's one of the Manchester's, but she's my best friend. She's my confidant. She's my rock and my safe place. She can NEVER be replaced. I have found only one other that can fill the same roll she does, and that only recently, he gives me the things she cannot. I am loved by Jordan. They both have seen me in my best and worst moments. Again, I cannot express how grateful I am for them either. They keep me sane. They keep me grounded. And they keep me focused. They are my constant reminders that it's worth it to get up in the morning and keep moving forward. Jordan not only points out the beauty that I have, but constantly reminds me of it. I have not smiled so much in all my life. I have never heard words so sweet, nor seen such sincerity in a man's eyes as I do with Jordan. The private moments we share are magical. There is no doubt in my mind about it.

I am blessed.